


say all the things I need to hear, then say them again

by glassflowers



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Codependency, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Pining, based on The Bed Picture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-06-24
Packaged: 2020-05-18 23:41:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19345072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glassflowers/pseuds/glassflowers
Summary: Dennis is in a dangerous place: Mac’s bed. He’s hoping that something, anything, can help set him free.





	say all the things I need to hear, then say them again

**Author's Note:**

> tw: body image issues, internalized homophobia, very slight mention of sexual abuse

“You’ve been staring at the ceiling for a while, man.” 

“Oh. I guess.”

“Can I...I mean is there anything I can do?” 

I don’t really know how it came to this. Me on your bed, in your room, in your space, with you right here, inches away. I’m sure it was inevitable. But for the longest time, I wanted to believe it wasn’t meant to happen. That our love was just a fluke, a moment leaving as quickly as it came. Despite everything, it stayed, and grew stronger every single year and there was a short period of time where I reveled in it, getting caught up in the bursts of affection and late nights where all I wanted to be was a part of you. Somewhere down the line though, I became more distant, attempting to escape from the reality of it. I know I tend to live in the past, but recently I’ve been in this space of, somehow, beyond the past. Looking for myself in another life, searching for a glimpse of someone who could bear the world’s pain and turn that hurt into even a small semblance of love, or something close to worthy.

“Um, no I’m okay.”

“But Dennis, you’re shaking.” 

“I shake sometimes.”

He chuckled, “Only when you’re super hungover, dude.”

I wonder if you know how I truly feel. I know I’m complicated, I know i’m a burden you don’t deserve to carry and I don’t know why you signed up for it in the first place. I’m weak. I’m fragile. I can’t handle the shit that comes at me. I lash out and retreat and I try to pretend I’m someone easier to love. As I lay here I wonder why I’ve never become the man I’ve dreamed of. Maybe if I try to leave this state, just one more time, I can make it. Maybe tomorrow will be a new day and if i wake up and wash my face perfectly and clean my body just right I can do it. Maybe if i walk outside and let the cold air fill my lungs and remind myself I’m alive then I’ll become that man I’ve only seen in magazines and on tv and in the reflection of my mother’s eyes. Maybe if I just kiss the man laying beside me.

“I’ve had a long day, Mac, I think I’ll just get back to my room, I don’t even know why I came in here, I’m really-“ 

“No! No-no lay back down. I mean, it’s fine, yknow? It’s okay. I promise.” 

Everything used to feel simpler. The way the clouds moved across the Philly sky, the way the morning light lay delicately in our apartment and highlighted the dust floating in the air. The way life moved by felt so much more effortless. Now it all feels too calculated, almost mechanic, like an invisible system that controls every moment so nothing feels natural or even close to beautiful anymore. Back when I was smaller and my heart felt bigger, I was beautiful like those specks of dust. And I like to convince myself I still am, but I see myself falling apart when the wrinkles on my face become more prominent in the bathroom mirror, when my shirt hugs me too tight like it never fit right in the first place, when anger spills out of my chest so loudly there’s ringing in my ears, vibrating through my entire being and I’m surprised my bones don’t crack every time. 

“You seemed really out of it today. Well, you were tending the bar, really good actually, but it didn’t feel like you were there. I said your name a few times and I don’t think you heard me. Or maybe you did?” 

I don’t know what to say to you. In this moment and in general. And I’m too goddamn scared right now to turn onto my side and move closer to you because if I do, I’m afraid I’ll become a different man. Not the man I had hoped to be, but the man that I’ve been trying to get away from since bad memories swallowed me whole. So, I guess I’ll lay still. And wait for you to tell me it’s okay to move because I’m not strong enough to do this on my own.

“Uh, oh here, hold on,” I hear ruffling through a drawer of the bedside table, “Here’s some text that you might be interested in that’s helped me! Yea I know, I know, bullshit religion, but really dude, it can be comforting sometimes.” 

I’m not gonna pretend that this shit can be genuinely comforting, but I also won’t pretend I don’t like your rambling, especially in times like these when the silence fogs my head. Sighing, “Go  
ahead.” 

“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.”

I don’t say what I mean, I don’t mean what I say. It’s a simple defense mechanism really, a way to disguise my feelings for you so there’s still a tiny glimmer of hope I can like myself tomorrow. 

“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.”

I want to feel naked with you. I want to lay body to body, have your warmth ground me, tether me to the bed and make me forget all times I lay with someone else and only felt aggressive hands and the feeling that I’ve lost all control and the chance to get it back long gone. I still cling onto the hope that I, one day, will be perfect. I want you to show me that I don’t need to be. 

“Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

But the more I think about it, I think I’d rather love you than myself. 

“Dennis...are you crying? Did all that I read really-“

“Fuck, It’s not because of that, asshole.”

“Oh.” 

I quickly wipe the tears from my cheeks and sit up, my head heavy and nausea hitting me all at once. I’m about to bolt out of the room, when I hear your voice again. 

“Den, come here.”

I look over at you, properly, for the first time this night, and maybe the first time in a long time. Your hair is neatly gelled, the smell of that strong old spice shampoo I lend you a few weeks back filling the room. Your smile is soft, surrounded by a dark beard that looks lighter in the glow of your bedroom. Your eyes are lit up with a tenderness I’ve always chosen to ignore. Your arms are open, reaching out towards me like I’m the only thing in the world worth touching. I know I’m not, but with you I feel like I have a chance. 

Burying my head in your chest, you pull me in quickly like you were built to do so. As your hand goes up and down my back, I find myself letting out a shaky breath I didn’t know I was holding. My mind drifts to that one night in ‘95, when you were over for the night and the piece of shit heater broke and we had to sleep too close to each other. As your eyes closed, I stayed awake, trying to retain this memory in my brain for as long as I could. It worked. I start crying even harder.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. Shhhh...it’s okay. It’ll all be okay.” 

Sometimes I look in the mirror and get lost in the fantasy of you standing beside me, telling me how handsome I look. I wish I could see myself the way you see me. For right now, keep holding me, and hopefully, I can allow myself for one second to inhabit this body that I’ve been so desperate to change, fix, abandon entirely. Then maybe I’ll sleep alright tonight. So when I wake up in the morning and my reflection stares back at me, that man I’ve been looking for will look a little more like me.

**Author's Note:**

> literally this could have never happened without mary, @lgbtrcg on tumblr, for having many breakdowns with me, giving me constant motivation to write, and just being an angel on earth
> 
> i’m @floralmac on tumblr <3


End file.
